Isn’t it odd that you’re 21, you’ve traveled a lot, read widely and been exposed to many different cultures and ways of life, and yet you have trouble adjusting when living in a foreign country? I found it very strange-so strange, in fact, that I denied I was going through any kind of difficulties while trying to find my feet here in New York and at The Juilliard School. It is only now, post-facto, that I realize that I did indeed experience a culture shock and had had trouble coping with my new environment.

Mahira celebrates with her father at home in Calcutta after a performance.

Let me explain that I am Indian and was born and brought up in Calcutta. I left home, per se, for the first time to train in The Juilliard School’s Drama Division.

When I first came here, I prided myself on the fact that my holistic growth as an individual would tide me over any possible "orientation problems." After all, had I not come from an international family? My uncle lived in Amster dam, my aunt in Switzerland; other family members worked for the World Bank and had shuttled back and forth from Zim babwe and Cal cutta. I grew up visiting them in these far-off places and hearing their stories. My parents had ensured that I learned Eng lish as fluently as if it were a first language, had encouraged me to watch foreign films, have pen-pals, and read world literature, and our house was constantly open to visitors from different parts of the globe. Apart from this, I had traveled to the United States before and was (or so I thought) familiar with the culture. I was fairly confident that nothing would faze me here, in my new home, for the next four years.

It is not an overstatement to say that I have never been more wrong. To travel to a country and to live in it are two entirely different things. I am grateful that my stay here in the United States has been linked to a school, where the acclimatization process is expected and eased by a helpful and understanding faculty. Had I not been in this atmosphere, I would still be a tense and overwrought individual who lacked the awareness that her stomach was constantly churning and her shoulders were virtually wrapped around her ears.

In retrospect, some of the major things I had to deal with related to communication. Of course there were practical life issues like social security, health insurance, credit cards-some of which don’t even exist in India, and some of these I’m still dealing with. However, my real problems occurred when my hitherto efficient people skills just didn’t seem to work. In India there is an interface of politeness in the interaction between two people. You never directly state what you think or want; everything is couched in delicate terms so that people don’t get offended by your supposed "ego." If you’re offering food to a guest, you will al ways do so more than once, because it is common courtesy to refuse the first time so that one doesn’t appear greedy. If you’re talking to an elder or a teacher, you will address them with respect and humility, and if you’re talking to a peer, with familiarity. Aggres sive ness and confidence are not en couraged in women. (I come from a liberal family, because my parents taught me to pursue what I want.) "Foul language" (i.e., cuss words) is frowned on, and touching a person of the opposite sex unless he is a husband, brother, or father is actively discouraged, or else one is considered a "loose woman." All these things, which I had been conditioned to accept, were not a part of the society here. Contrary to Indian society, informality is an accepted way of life.

What shocked me most was the abundance of swear words. Of course, I’d thought them in my head-but to hear them voiced so often and with such ease completely threw me.

Then there was New York City-a different beast in itself. Calcutta is dirty, overpopulated, and chaotic. Yet I am familiar with the madness. I can handle it. On the other hand, I kept hearing stories about people getting mugged in Harlem and robbery on the subways. My first year here, I barely stepped out because I quaked at the thought of the mugging, molestation, or rape that could occur around every corner. I admit I had very strange perceptions of the city.

I also did not go out much because I was trying to get everything right. In India so much of your success in life depends on the amount of work you put in and the concomitant grades you receive. So, my first year here at Juil liard-in the most exciting, pulsating, alive city in the world-I locked myself in my room on weekends, reading and re-reading plays and doing my homework, while my peers were out living.

To top it all off, the Drama Division here encourages you to shed inhibitions so that you can work without tension and allow the true nature of your character to reveal itself. So, in my second project here, I was cast as a hooker from Hell’s Kitchen. I, who had only ever dared to wear shorts in the privacy of my bedroom, was forced by my role to wear miniscule skirts, strappy blouses, and what I considered highly revealing outfits; cuss like a sailor; and (horror of horrors) kiss someone I barely knew, on stage. I remember that there were days I wanted to curl up into a tiny ball, roll under a table, and rock back and forth till everything was blocked out.

And, through all of this, I steadfastly denied that I was having trouble coping. The big voice in my head said "Mahira, you have read Kafka, you can do this," while the little voice in my stomach that was softly saying, "I’m really scared and I want to be taken care of" was vociferously stomped on.

Looking back now, I can see the absurdity of the situation. I would have made life much simpler for myself had I accepted that I was out of my depth. Fortunately for me, my peers and the faculty here at the School encouraged me to talk to them every time I had a problem. Finally the sheer energy it took to lie to myself was too much of a strain, and once I allowed myself to accept what I was truly feeling, the process of adjustment became easier and I found I could not only survive, but enjoy the differences between my old and new environments.

Mahira Kakkar is a second-year drama student.