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Vol. XIX No. 7 April 2004 |
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A Devil's Dictionary for Musicians A A CAPPELLA. Pocketing the accompanist's fee by performing alone.
ABBANDONAMENTE. The cessation of child-support by a divorced musician.
ABRUPT CADENCE. A solo performer's memory lapse.
ACCELERANDO. The natural tendency to rush a series of eighth or sixteenth notes.
AMATEUR. A concert artist who is reduced to making a living as a dentist or orthopedic surgeon.
ATTACCA. A prison in Italy famous for violent uprisings. B B. (1) A note either sharp or flat but rarely natural. (2) A music conservatory student's grade that leads to the loss of a scholarship and ulcers for the parents.
BARITONE. A tenor lacking high notes.
BOW. A weapon of wood and horsehair wielded by string-players to attack their instruments and poke out the eyes of stand-partners.
BRASS. Orchestral weapons of mass aural destruction.
BURDEN. (1) A song's refrain. (2) A bagpipe's drone. (3) A musician's family.
BURLESCA. An Italian maestro conducting a German opera. C CALMATO. A Greek olive.
CALORE, CON. The cuisine of overweight opera singers.
CANON. The chaos ensuing after a musician makes a wrong entrance and stubbornly refuses to drop out.
CAVATINA. A tiny cavity in an opera singer's tooth.
CHAMBER ORCHESTRA. The survivors of a symphony's budget cutback.
COMIC OPERA. An opera in which no one gets murdered except the composer.
COPERTO. A concerto dedicated to a policeman.
CREMONA. A Strad made in Cleveland.
CROTCHET. An elderly orchestra member who refuses to retire. D DA CAPO. The personnel manager of an orchestra in Sicily.
DIATONIC. A soda containing no sugar.
DIVISI. A symphony orchestra during contract negotiations.
DOMINANT. The mother or spouse of a concert artist. E EINGANG. A visiting foreign orchestra in Vienna.
EXPOSITION. A musical theme presented early, while the audience is still awake. F FA. An Italian F, and an angry Italian maestro's precursor of muttered curses for musician's mistakes.
FIDDLE. The instrument played by a second-violinist.
FIFTH. A bottle frequently stowed in the instrument cases of brass-players.
FLAUTIST. A pretentious flute-player; also known as a flauntist.
FULL ORCHESTRA. An ensemble of musicians performing immediately after a heavy meal. G GEFALLEN. A musician fired from the Berlin Philharmonic.
GENTILEMENTE. Musicians who are not Jewish.
GRACE NOTE. A note printed too small to be seen, and too fast to be played.
GROUND BASS. A minced fish delicious with black bean sauce.
GUEST CONDUCTOR. A foreign maestro short of cash. H HARMONIC. A deliberate squeak on a stringed instrument.
HEXACHORD. To jinx a chord with a wrong note. I IMPERFECT CADENCE. A musical ending marred by a musician hanging onto a note.
INHARMONIC RELATION. A musician's mother-in-law.
INNER VOICE. The conscience of a tyrannical conductor and faking musician. L LA. The syllable sung by singers when forgetting lyrics.
LARGHETTO. A big urban area inhabited by an ethnic minority.
LEGATO. An Italian cat.
LIGATURE. A Band-Aid for holding bleeding notes together.
LYRE. A living musician who claims to have played under Toscanini. M MANUSCRIPT. Indecipherable music.
MEISTERSINGER. A German opera singer with a good press agent.
MESSA, MESSE. A disastrous musical performance.
MIRLITON. A laxative for musicians past 50.
MOVABLE DO. Negotiable stolen bank notes.
MUSICA SACRA. A chronic pain in the lower back of musicians. N NEIGHBOR-TONES. The sound of a stereo or Steinway from an adjoining or overhead apartment.
NICHT SCHLEPPEN. Fast as hell.
NONETTO. An undistinguished Italian maestro; a nobody. O OBERWERK. A common complaint of musicians and opera singers.
OBOE. A double-reed instrument played by a conical bore.
OCARINA. The breakfast cereal of Italian opera singers.
OMNITONIC. A high-test fuel for a small foreign car.
OPERA. A musical drama that is either tragic or comic, depending on the sobriety and waistlines of its singers.
OPERA BUFF. A maniacal person who, when asked the time of day, will provide a comparison of tenors and coloraturas.
ORCHESTRATION. Work for a music arranger with connections. P PADEREWSKI. A musician's small apartment in Poland.
PADIGLIONE. A musician's large apartment in Italy.
PASSING NOTES. A musician's successful cashing of counterfeit bills.
PHILHARMONIC PITCH. A fund-raising plea for a symphony orchestra.
PIANO. (1) Not soft enough. (2) A keyboard instrument invented by the moving-van industry to insure its prosperity.
PIU. An exclamation heard from listeners at a malodorous musical performance.
POLYPHONY. Many musicians talking simultaneously at an orchestra meeting.
PRESTO. Unplayable; a blur.
PRIMGEIGER. A German violinist with a starched shirt and pressed tux.
PRIMO. The loudest player in an ensemble.
PROMPTER. A conductor concealed in a box because he cannot afford a tux. R RABBIA, CON. (1) A musician afflicted with rabies. (2) In the company of rabbis.
RADICAL BASS. A male singer with a low voice and left-wing ideas.
RECAPITULATION. A reminder of a theme better forgotten.
RELATIVE PITCH. Recommending a cousin for a gig.
REPRISE. Rehiring a fired musician.
RIVERSO. A musician or opera singer's sex-change surgery.
RUBATO. (1) Criminal musical license for a performer. (2) A mugged musician.
RUNS. A severed gastric disorder of musicians on tour. S SALTERELLO. An Italian canapé cracker.
SCENARIO. An altercation between opera singers and conductors at a dress rehearsal.
SCHWINGUNG. A jazz band in Germany.
SFUMATO. An opera orchestra pit sprayed by an exterminator.
SHOFAR. A Jewish French horn.
SLUR. A remark made by one musician or singer about another.
SPINTO. An unmarried soprano.
STABILE. A musician with a steady job.
STOLLEN. A musician's wallet missing in a Berlin bar.
STRAD. A violin probably made in Wisconsin or New Jersey.
STRAPPATO. A musician deeply in debt.
SUBDOMINANT. An assistant conductor.
SUPERDOMINANT. A conductor's wife. T TIME SIGNATURE. Bulova, Gruen, etc.
TONE ROW. Condemned notes awaiting execution.
TRANSCRIPTION. A pirate tape.
TREBLE. A conductor's salary compared to a musician's.
TRIAD. Three musicians rooted with a perfect fifth in a bar.
TRIANGLE. Two violists in love with a harpist. U UNISON. Almost together.
UP-BEAT. A sudden gesture of a conductor's baton before a bar-line that invariably causes a premature entrance from one or more musicians. V VALSE. An exclamation from a German conductor when a musician plays out of tune.
VILLA LOBOS. A resort in the Catskills.
VOLANTE. A musician high on drugs.
VOLUNTARY. A concert with bouncing checks.
VOX ANGELICA. An opera singer with a high salary.
VOX HUMANA. An opera singer with a medium salary. W WALDSTEIN SONATA. A piano piece dedicated to a Bronx grocer.
WALPURGISNACHT. A Saturday evening opera performance after a long matinée.
WOODWIND. A wooden instrument blown by a brazen cane-raiser. Y YODEL. A yell from a Swiss yokel. Z ZUG. The slide of a trombone, and the sound of a trombonist guzzling beer.
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