 |
Dear Shrink Rap:I am writing because I know that October is national "coming out" month. It is making me think about my own sexuality issues and how I might deal with them. I have not told any of my family that I am not a heterosexual, and I am pretty sure that this will be a big surprise for them all. I am scared to tell them because I think they will be mad, or tell me I need help, or just be too upset for me to deal with. Can you give me any advice about when and how I should break the news? —Hoping to Come Out Dear Hoping to Come Out:Figuring out how, and to whom, to reveal your sexuality can be challenging and anxiety-producing. Often, young people discover that college offers a more comfortable atmosphere for being openly gay. First of all, if it is possible to talk with others who have had this experience, you might find it helpful to hear their stories. Learn from their mistakes and ask what worked well. If they are willing to help, practice with them what you are going to say. Here are some points to consider as you contemplate talking to your family:Ask yourself why you want to let your parents know. It is healthy to want them to understand and know you better. It is not advised that you "confront" them about homophobia, or begin this discussion when you have feelings of anger.If you are struggling with figuring out your sexuality and have uncertainties about your sexual orientation, it is not time to come out. Wait until you are sure about and comfortable with your sexual identity.Consider telling another family member before you come out to your parents. You may find it helpful to tell a sister or a cousin first. It can make you feel less lonely, and give you the courage to talk to your parents when you know you have an ally in the family.It is almost always frightening to come out to one's parents, but if you have any concerns that the result could be disastrous, you may want to wait.Be sure to prepare yourself for any bad reaction that your family might have. It is wise to have identified a place where you can go if you need to, and to have a support person that you can turn to.Talk to your family in person (not on the phone or by e-mail!) and in a comfortable place.Timing is critical. Holidays can be stressful and the family dynamic is often strained in these times. Try to find a time when you and your parents won't be interrupted or distracted by other events.If you are currently in a relationship, it is not advisable to bring that person along at this point.Be patient. Family members may need time to soak it in, just as it took you time to figure things out. Prepare yourself by reflecting on how they react in stressful situations. This might be a good indicator of how they will take your news. Don't forget that parents may have had visions of you being married, having children, etc. … Coming to terms with the loss of those dreams may take time. As they grow to accept your choice, they will see that those dreams are still possible.Encourage them to ask questions. Share some of the points of your journey with them. If they react negatively and try to identify what went wrong, reassure them that it is no one's "fault," and that you are happy with your life. Remind them that sexual orientation is not something we choose; rather, it is something innate that we discover.It is not uncommon for parents to suggest therapy to be "cured." You can let them know that the American Psychological Association does not consider homosexuality a mental illness, and that therapies aimed at changing people's sexual orientation against their will are viewed as unethical.It may help to bring along some literature for your parents to look at. There are a few brochures available outside of Counseling Services on the 22nd floor of the residence hall. Acknowledge that you understand your news may be difficult for your parents to come to terms with, and suggest that they talk it through with trusted friends and family. Let them know if there are certain persons you would rather not know about your sexuality at this time.Plan something wonderful for yourself after you have talked to your family. Congratulate yourself, breathe, and feel the relief.The best advice is to really be prepared. Check out the many Web sites that offer advice on this subject (type in "coming out to parents" in any search engine); there are numerous organizations in the New York area and online that can provide helpful information. Talk to your supportive friends, seek advice from trusted family members, and consider talking to one of the therapists at Counseling Services. Remember, coming out is a choice; no one can make you do it, and you are the best judge of what is right for you.
Shrink Rap is the monthly advice column of the Juilliard Counseling Service. We welcome students' questions that we can print and answer here. Please submit any anonymous questions for consideration by depositing them in the Health Services mailbox, located in the Student Affairs Office. Address any correspondence to Shrink Rap.
|
