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Vol. XX No. 3 November 2004 |
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 Long-Distance Loving Dear Shrink Rap: Being away from home is very difficult for me, especially regarding my relationship with my boyfriend. Besides missing him and my other friends back home, I feel guilty about meeting new people and going out with them. As hard as we try to keep our long-distance relationship together, it is becoming more and more difficult. What should I do?
—Conflicted and a Little Afraid Dear Conflicted and a Little Afraid:Being away from home and leaving behind a relationship, a family, and friends is extremely difficult for most people. Attending college away from home is a time when a drive toward new experiences and a pull toward older, known and more comfortable experiences are in conflict. On the one hand, the prospect of new experiences is a source of excitement; on the other, it can bring up feelings of anxiety and loneliness.It might help to think of this as a time of exploration: There are new friendships and new places to explore, and there is a lot about yourself and your feelings to discover. It is important for you and your boyfriend to communicate openly about what each of you is experiencing and feeling. One healthy way of looking at the distance between you is that it gives each of you the opportunity to learn something about the other that you would not discover if you were in close proximity. Some relationships deepen when distance makes two people realize the ways in which they had taken each other for granted. Consider communicating with your boyfriend through letters. This can work to reveal more about a person's qualities, values, dreams, hopes, and concerns than trying to always have meaningful conversations on the phone, which can end up being frustrating and confusing.Long-distance relationships require patience and a resolve to focus on the present. It is important to really listen, to hear each other's hopes and needs. Sometimes sharing new experiences can be challenging in a long-distance relationship. For example, you may meet new friends that you want to tell him about, or you may have a particularly wonderful thing happen here at Juilliard that you want to share with your boyfriend. Hearing these things may at first be hard for him, because he is not part of your new life here. He might need to be reassured that you still care for him and that you are interested in what he is doing. Similarly, you may need to know that he misses you even though you are excited about things you are experiencing at School.The new people you meet here do not have to replace your old friends. It is possible to meet new people and stay in touch with friends and significant others back home. You may find that, because you and your boyfriend are having daily experiences that are so different, you feel you have nothing in common anymore. That can be a scary realization, and it is a hurdle that even couples who have no distance between them sometimes encounter. Again, honest communication is critical, and the two of you can reevaluate your relationship and its future if you think that the differences are simply too great.Long-distance relationships are tough, but not impossible. Any relationship takes a lot of hard work, and if you are both willing to be patient, honest, and committed to doing the work, you have a better chance of making this a successful endeavor.If you feel that you would like to speak further about this with a professional counselor, please don't hesitate to call us at the Counseling Service. We are located in the Rose Building on the 22nd floor. We have walk-in hours on Monday from 6-7 p.m., Tuesday from 6:45-7:45 p.m., and Friday from 1-2 p.m. You can also call (212) 769-3918 to set up an appointment. Shrink Rap is the monthly advice column of the Juilliard Counseling Service. We welcome students' questions that we can print and answer here. Please submit any anonymous questions for consideration by depositing them in the Health Services mailbox, located in the Student Affairs Office. Address any correspondence to Shrink Rap.
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