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Holiday Survival GuideDear Shrink Rap: Help! I have to go home for the holidays. There is part of me that is excited, but a bigger part is anxious about being with my family. I think I have changed a lot these last few months, and my family has expectations about me that will make it difficult for me to be around them. What advice can you give me to get through this and still have fun?— Anxious About the Holidays Dear Anxious:This is one of the most stressful times of the year for many people. It is a time for family celebration, but many families have a hard time communicating when everyone gets together, and tensions from the past that have not been worked out surface amid the stress of the holiday rituals. People also have a tendency to try to repeat what they remember to have been wonderful celebrations. However, this does not take into account that individual family members have changed, grown, and encountered various life situations since the last memorable holiday. Many families deal with tensions by collectively pretending they are not there. They proceed with a "business as usual" approach, relying on patterns of an obligatory celebration that have always been followed. This usually only makes things more tense.It sounds as though you are fairly aware of changes you have gone through in the past few months. Keep in mind that your transformations might not be so obvious to your family members. It would be wise to plan ahead and decide what changes you want to share, and what changes you want to keep to yourself. If you have made major decisions about your life that you have not shared with your family, you may want to consider waiting until the holidays are over before delivering big news to your family. Even a big change that makes you super happy might be taken in a different way by family members, and can have a way of ruining the holiday celebrations.It is wise to expect that holiday togetherness may be intense. So, prepare for that dynamic as best you can, and then remember that it is an attribute of the holidays and try to take it in stride. When families reunite, it is quite typical for each member to be expected to fulfill a certain predefined role. You don't have to fall into whatever role might be predetermined for you. It may be hard to wiggle out of it, but if you give yourself permission to step out of such an expectation diplomatically and with a sense of humor, it may be easier.Make a conscious effort to spend one-on-one time with each family member. This will help each member reconnect with you and can work to lessen tensions when the whole group is together. Just a quick walk in the neighborhood or doing the dishes together can help two people cut through much of the tension that is inherent in family gatherings.Finally, find time in each day to be alone to gather your thoughts. It may be helpful to have an arrangement with a trusted friend whom you can call, to talk and decompress with a little. You can use this time to make meaningful contact with friends and family members. And during trying times, don't forget—the holidays don't last forever. Shrink Rap is the monthly advice column of the Juilliard Counseling Service. We welcome students' questions that we can print and answer here. Please submit any anonymous questions for consideration by depositing them in the Health Services mailbox, located in the Student Affairs Office. Address any correspondence to Shrink Rap.
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