Vol. XXI No. 5
February 2006


When Relationships Turn Rocky


Dear Shrink Rap:
Well, another Valentine's Day is coming up, and I just don't know what is going on in my love life. I have been in a romantic relationship for about seven months now, and the person I was so attracted to last summer seems to have changed so much that I hardly remember what it was that used to make me feel so happy and excited. I think we really care for each other, but we just don't seem to relate as easily as we used to. And frankly, some of the things I have discovered (that were not there in the beginning!) about this person are hard to take … like the fact that I am criticized now if I sleep past 10 o'clock in the morning. It is just starting to feel as though there are all sorts of expectations that are interfering with our ability to talk to one another, and we definitely do not have as many good times together as we did in the beginning. So, do you think it is time to move on, or what should I do?

Frustrated in Love



Dear Frustrated in Love:
Relationships often begin with a euphoric feeling, so it comes as a rude awakening when you suddenly find one small characteristic immensely irritating.
You are describing what many would regard as a normal progression in a relationship that moves beyond the first phase of excitement and happiness. During those initial weeks and months, people tend to look beyond or ignore little personality traits (or flaws) in the individuals who have captured their hearts. You are in the next phase, when you have each slowed down enough and spent enough time together that you are discovering your differences, and now the real work begins. Learning to communicate and compromise will help you both to build a foundation for a healthy relationship. Some people take the approach that when a relationship requires work, it is time to depart. However, it is the work that can make a relationship meaningful, rewarding, and solid, and even if this particular relationship does not last forever, you will have learned new skills that you will rely on in your next romantic endeavors.

The first reality that you both must come to terms with is that relationships change. Romantic relationships often begin with a euphoric feeling that nothing can ever go wrong. So it comes as a rude awakening when one morning you roll over and look at your partner and suddenly you find one small characteristic immensely irritating. If your relationship has not begun as a friendship that developed into a romance, you may not be so comfortable talking openly with your partner. One way to start is to talk to your partner about establishing a way to regularly take an inventory of what is happening in the relationship. It can be a difficult exercise to begin, but if you pledge to each other that you will be mindful about discussing without being accusatory, or complaining about something that your partner cannot reasonably change (e.g., physical attributes that bother you for some reason), you will start to learn how best to communicate and work through things. Did we already mention the word "compromise"? This is a concept in all relationships (not just romantic ones) that presents a constant challenge. The absolute key to learning about when to compromise is, again, communication. You have to get to know each other, and as you do, you will learn your partner's perspective on things, his/her family history, fears, passions, weaknesses, and strengths, and that all-important element of trust will begin to grow. All of this will help you identify problems that are worth serious energy and attention, versus those that require only a slight adjustment (sometimes by you alone), or for which a compromise will result in a much more positive outcome. Sometimes a compromise comes in the form of an acknowledgment that you just don't see eye-to-eye about something, and that neither of you is able or willing to change. A compromise is coming to an understanding about the disagreement and deciding how to work with it in the future, knowing that you do disagree.

One of the keys to deepening a relationship is the pledge of honesty. This means being willing to take responsibility when you have done something wrong, even if it is just a minor inconsideration. This will often require you to "look in the mirror," to honestly reflect upon your own actions and feelings to see them for what they are.

Most of what we have advised here is easier said than done. And a small newspaper column can hardly give you the guidance you need for something as vast as a human relationship. We'd like to suggest that you take a look at the excellent advice on relationships available at this Web site.

We also advocate couples counseling when you feel you have either reached an impasse with your partner, or you just want guidance in how to proceed or how to look at something in the relationship. Couples therapy is available at the Juilliard Counseling Service.

Shrink Rap is the monthly advice column of the Juilliard Counseling Service. Students are invited to submit anonymous questions that we can print and answer here by using our suggestion and question box, located in the hall outside the Counseling Service on the 22nd floor of the Rose Building.
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