There's No Excuse!

Dear Shrink Rap:

Someone recently said something to me that I did not like or agree with, but I can't get it out of my head, and I am reminded of it every single day now. This person said that I had better start looking in the mirror, because no matter what excuses I come up with for not having an assignment done, or for losing my notebook, or for not performing my best, and no matter how much I believe the excuse, it is the person in the mirror who is responsible. He said that no one else and no other factor would be the reason I don't get ahead. This is really bugging me, especially when I get ready for the day in front of the mirror each morning! Don't you think that people have legitimate reasons for not being able to always do what is expected?

Bugged and Frustrated

It sounds as though the person who said this to you was trying to tell you to be honest with yourself by really looking at and owning your behaviors, feelings, and actions. That is usually what "looking in the mirror" is all about, and it can be very hard to do. This is particularly true when you have developed a pattern of explaining yourself or your actions to others by always blaming outside factors or others for something you did, or failed to. Sometimes we can get so used to blaming other things or rationalizing our behavior that we convince ourselves that each excuse is the absolute truth. Then when people start to look dismayed because we have yet another excuse for our action or inaction, we get defensive and feel victimized because it is obvious that no one really believes us anymore. This is a no-win situation, especially for the person making excuses!

An excuse is like a color that you paint on top of the real reason for doing or not doing something, which is still there even though you can’t see it.

Has anyone asked you (or have you asked yourself) why you feel you need to make excuses? There are so many factors that can lead to this pattern. You might feel embarrassed for not meeting someone's expectation, or there could be something about a task that actually creates a fear of failure, so an excuse is the easiest way out. Perhaps you don't want to do something because it will require concentration, or because it would mean being somewhere when you'd rather sleep in, or because you made a promise that you realistically could not keep and it is too difficult to admit you are overwhelmed. The excuse is like a color that you paint on top of the real reasons, which are still there even though you and others might not be able to see them. Some people go on fooling themselves about this reality, and they become resentful that they don't get ahead. The fact that this issue is "bugging" you tells us that you know there is some element of truth to what the person observed when he told you to look in the mirror.

It can be immensely difficult to look at oneself with complete honesty. It requires identifying one's patterns, behaviors, and deep feelings, and then a willingness and desire to be accountable for one's actions, inactions, poor judgment, attitude, or other characteristic that you might need to address and change. If you doubt that you need to do this work, you can try these few exercises first: 1) Keep track of every single excuse you make for the next three weeks. This includes the excuses you make to yourself for things such as not getting up on time, not doing your laundry, not feeling 100 percent prepared for a class or rehearsal, or not returning someone's call in a timely manner. You can do this by making a quick note, but be sure to include the reason you gave for doing or not doing something. 2) Ask a trusted adult or friend who knows you if he/she has the perception that you make too many excuses. 3) Try to note down the times that you feel as though it is someone else's fault that you have been unable to accomplish something. The purpose of these exercises is not just to create a list that you can look back on to identify a pattern, but also to see if these tasks are hard or uncomfortable for you to do. If you find these exercises difficult for any reason (or if you make excuses to yourself for not doing them!) then it is likely that you have some work to do. There are, of course, situations in which a person has a legitimate excuse. If you regularly rely on excuses to get through school and everyday living, and it is something that you want to change, we strongly suggest seeking the help of a professional who can provide nonjudgmental guidance. We hope that you will consider seeing one of our therapists at the Counseling Service. And consider the wise words of Benjamin Franklin: "He that is good at making excuses is seldom good at anything else."

Shrink Rap is the monthly advice column of the Juilliard Counseling Service. Students are invited to submit anonymous questions that we can print and answer here by using our suggestion and question box, located in the hall outside the Counseling Service on the 22nd floor of the Rose Building.